From fd15dbcd25d1af76193a9eedf6b133b03816fbb0 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Zott820 Date: Sat, 30 Nov 2013 14:57:30 -0800 Subject: [PATCH] Added more Stories Now with Turkey Facts and more non-turkey stories. --- js/stories.js | 182 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++-- 1 file changed, 178 insertions(+), 4 deletions(-) diff --git a/js/stories.js b/js/stories.js index d577c0f..d8ab5f5 100644 --- a/js/stories.js +++ b/js/stories.js @@ -44,6 +44,14 @@ var story = { "Grandma: And Chinese.", "Dad: Mooom!"], +"Golf Story": +["Grandpa: Son, what’s your par on the John Milton Golf Course?.", +"Dad: I'm a little rusty, but my average is about 76.", +"Grandpa: Oh really? Chaahooooo I am down to 69.", +"Dad: Congratulations Dad.", +"Grandpa: How about you and I hit a few around next week?", +"Dad: I will have to check my calendar, but I would love to."], + "Creeper Worker": ["Brother: ...and so this guy kept trying to see what I wrote down on my notepad, and I keep trying to hide it from his prying eyes. Anyways...", "Dad: Hey that reminds me of this guy at work.", @@ -382,7 +390,7 @@ var story = { "Grandma: Word travels fast on the front. Just don't let the officers hear you singing it or they'll whoop your ass faster than you can say vodka. ", "Grandpa: Advice to keep close at heart. "], -"Dad Tells a bad Joke": +"Dad Tells a Bad Dad Joke": ["Dad: Hey guys, what's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?", "Mom: Of course it is the loving family?", "Brother: I bet it is the pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes.", @@ -399,7 +407,7 @@ var story = { "Grandma: hmmm, ok. I think I get it.", "Dad: Ok...."], -"Mom Story": +"Mom Butter Story": ["Mom: My favorite color is butter.", "Girlfriend: That's cool."], @@ -421,6 +429,172 @@ var story = { "Cat: (Translation) It's like you don't love me anymore.", "Mom: It'll be done very soon, I promise! You can have a few bites.", "Cat: Meow Meow Meow Meow!", -"Cat: (Translation) I don't want turkey, I want fish!"] +"Cat: (Translation) I don't want turkey, I want fish!"], + + +"Mom Talks About Her Bathroom Policy and her Students": +["Mom: I make sure my students are well hydrated and well rested.", +"Mom: We have 20 minutes of reading time, 20 minutes of sleeping time, and 20 cumulative daily minutes of bathroom time.", +"Mom: I bring bottles of water and juice on my own dime to make sure the students are at maximum productivity.", +"Dad: What if someone needs to use the restroom for 30 minutes?", +"Mom: It doesn't bug me, but the school has some strict bathroom policies. I've gotten in trouble in the past.", +"Dad: Oh, You never told me about this. What happened honey?", +"Mom: I didn't want to bother you with the details. But I guess there's no harm in letting you know.", +"Mom: For a while I allowed all my students to use the bathroom whenever they wanted. They didn't even have to ask. I wanted the students to feel independent.", +"Mom: But then the administration told me that all students were required to have a bathroom pass. Too many students were skipping class they feared.", +"Mom: I never lost a student, and all my students knew not to abuse their privilege given to them, but I did as I was told. +"Mom: I made sure students signed themselves out, wrote their name, signed it, then took the bathroom pass.", +"Girlfriend: That seems very efficient. But are the third graders mature enough to get themselves to the bathroom and not goof off?", +"Mom: Well, every student has their 20 minutes. I don't want to parent them. That's not my job. My job is to teach lessons.", +"Mom: It seemed to work well. None of my students abused the system.", +"Mom: But it seemed the administration didn't appreciate the system. They changed the rules once again.", +"Mom: Now students are only allowed to go to the bathroom once per day. No more than 5 minutes or else I have to go looking for them.", +"Mom: I told all my students. 'Make sure you use the restroom at recess and before school'. And they did.", +"Brother: Your students seem very well behaved. I can't even imagine a class of third graders acting as well-mannered as you describe.", +"Mom: You would be surprised what putting a little trust in a person can do.", +"Mom: Well, the newest method was working dandy. I wouldn't say it was as good as what we had setup before, but it was fine.", +"Mom: Less than a week later however, I got another memo.", +"Mom: 'Students are to be allowed to use the restroom facilities whenever they need.", +"Dad: They reverted their one-bathroom per child policy?", +"Mom: I hate to bring this up at the dinner table.", +"Grandma: Don't be worrying. Tell us the story.", +"Mom: Sigh, ok. One of the students in the other class, not mine of course, had to use the restroom. But she had already used her one bathroom break.", +"Mom: So the teacher told her to go back to her seat.", +"Mom: A while later....", +"Brother: Ahh geeez, she peed everywhere?", +"Mom: Greg!", +"Brother: What? It isn't like this is the first time this has ever happened? I hear about this happening all the time on internet message boards.", +"Mom: It was certainly a surprise for me!", +"Dad: I'm sorry to, hehehe, hear that honey.", +"Mom: This isn't a laughing matter.", +"Dad: Sorry ma'am."], + +"Grandpa tells a story about how a bug crawls in the ear of one of his fellow army buddies during the Korean War": +["Grandpa: Mmmm mmm, I can't wait to hear the sizzling of that turkey.", +"Grandma: You never seem to hear when I call you.", +"Grandpa: That's called selective hearing. My hearing is fine.", +"Grandpa: Which reminds me of my old friend Jimmy.", +"Grandma: How is ol' Jimmy?", +"Grandpa: Deaf in the one ear as usual, but he couldn't be a happier soul. We're going golfing next week.", +"Mom: I don't believe I've met Jimmy.", +"Grandpa: He and I go way back. We were GIs together during the Korean War. Then he lost his hearing.", +"Brother: Was it due to the loudness of the guns? A mortar round? Shrapnel?", +"Grandpa: I don't know what the media has filled your noggin with, but not all injury in war is glamorous.", +"Brother: I agree, war is terrible. But, I must say the technology is interesting.", +"Grandpa: Be glad you don't have to serve and only reap the riches of wartime development.", +"Grandpa: As for Jimmy, he lost his hearing at camp.", +"Grandpa: We went to sleep for the night and a beetle bug crawled in his ear.", +"Grandpa: Tried to fish it out but he ended up crushing it.", +"Grandpa: Field medics couldn't get all the pieces out, and we were at least two days away from a decent hospital.", +"Grandpa: The ear got infected and Jimmy lost his hearing soon after.", +"Grandpa: 'Bug Brain' we used to call him. Great guy.", +"Girlfriend: I'm sorry to hear that.", +"Grandpa: Can't undo the past. Those dang bugs were everywhere though.", +"Mom: Gross, Gross, Gross. ", +"Grandpa: It isn't that bad. Be grateful I didn't tell you the story where we ate them. Not bad. A little crunchy. Not as good as turkey though.", +"Mom: !!!"], + +"Story about Girlfriend’s teacher that makes buzzer noises when you got something wrong": +["Girlfriend: Greg, here's something that might tinkle your fancy.", +"Girlfriend: I saw my old professor from a couple years back, Professor Ronfleur. The Humanities teacher. Do you remember him? +"Brother: The guy who always wore the purple bow tie? Who could forget him? Did he buzz you?", +"Girlfriend: Ha-ha, no, but that's why I brought it up. That buzz!", +"Mom: What buzz?", +"Girlfriend: I guess we never told you Mom. Remember when we took that humanities class at the local community college during the summer?", +"Girlfriend: We were trying to get the lower division English requirements out the way so could take classes at college that were actually worth our time.", +"Girlfriend: This Professor Ronfleur used to make a buzzing sound whenever anybody got something wrong.", +"Girlfriend: 'In what way does Aristotle disagree with Plato's Allegory of the Cave?' and then...", +"Girlfriend: BRRZZZZZZZT!", +"Girlfriend: He would make this super nasally buzzing noise.", +"Brother: Seriously! Whenever I see the guy, I can just imagine pressing his bow tie and a buzzing noise coming out.", +"Girlfriend: And he did it ALL. THE. TIME.", +"Brother: Yeah! Did he say anything to you when he saw you?", +"Girlfriend: I said hello and introduced myself, but he didn't know me. Just gave me the glazed ham eye look.", +"Brother: Glazed ham?", +"Girlfriend: For Thanksgiving.", +"Brother: He gave you the glazed turkey look.", +"Girlfriend: Exactly."], + +"Brother's Fiancee is on Business Trip": +["Mom: Greg, where's your fiancée? Why didn't you invite her over for Thanksgiving dinner?", +"Brother: I did invite her, but she couldn't make it. She is on a business trip and could not get the time off.", +"Mom: A business trip on Thanksgiving? But Thanksgiving only happens once per year! This is the perfect time to rekindle the spirit of family.", +"Brother: I know Mom, but Thanksgiving doesn't happen everywhere, and her job in sales demands that she travel abroad to meet with potential clients in person.", +"Brother: I miss her a lot when she leaves, but whenever she returns home, we make every moment count. We count our blessings every day.", +"Mom: Amen", +"Brother: Though, it is too bad that since we're both so busy all the time, our new house remains largely unoccupied throughout the day.", +"Mom: Awww honey, I'll have to come and visit.", +"Brother: uh, well yeah, sure Mom. You can come and visit.", +"Grandpa: What!? I want to come and see your new place too.", +"Brother: Sure...yeah ok.", +"Girlfriend: You aren't going to invite me?", +"Brother: Yes, definitely. Everyone can come and visit. Just... I don't want to stress out my fiancée when she comes home.", +"Brother: She likes to relax at home.", +"Mom: Don't worry honey, we won't stress her out. I'll make her my delicious breakfast omelet.", +"Grandpa: And I'll tell her my war stories.", +"Brother: Oh, good..."], + +"Turkey Fact - Snood": +["Turkey: Gobble Gobble. Turkeys have a fleshy bit that comes off their forehead called the snood. Turkey farmers will occasional remove the snood, in a process called 'de-snooding'.", +"Turkey: Male turkeys like their snood intact to attract a mate, and for dominance. Be kind to your turkey. Do not lose the snood."], + +"Turkey Fact - Cat Puns": +["Turkey: Gobble Gobble. I suppose it is too late to ask you not to eat me. But is it too late to ask for you to kick that cat of yours?", +"Cat: Hey Turkey, it has been a long time. I see you're dead.", +"Turkey: Kasey, how dare you speak to me. First, you steal my plans for world domination and now you gloat at my passing. For shame.", +"Cat: It isn't my fault you taste so delicious. I'm going to delight in eating your flesh. Maybe if I beg enough they may give me your head on a platter", +"Turkey: Oooh, don't get me fired up.", +"Cat: Meow meow meow! The oven is doing that quite nicely.", +"Turkey: Ga-Gobble!", +"Cat: Meow Meow", +"Dad: Aww Kasey, can't you a cute little kitty."], + +"Turkey Fact - Wattle": +["Turkey: Hey, it is time for another turkey fact.", +"Turkey: Most people will recognize the wattle on a chicken as that piece of red flesh that hangs down from the beak.", +"Turkey: But did you know turkeys have them too?", +"Turkey: I personally believe they are much sexier on a turkey than a chicken anyhow. And you can bet a fine wattle will attract the hen's attention.", +"Turkey: Gobble Gobble"], + +"Turkey Fact - Unsuscribe": +["Turkey: I hope I'm worth it. But hey, now you can listen to a wonderful fact about turkeys.", +"Turkey: Turkeys are members of the order Galliformes. That means we share relations to other birds like the chicken and pheasant.", +"Turkey: To unsubscribe from Turkey facts, please gobble like a turkey into the microphone.", +"Turkey: 'Gobble' in 3", +"Turkey: 2", +"Turkey: 1", +"Turkey: Now Recording...", +"Turkey: I'm sorry, we didn't recognize your dialect. Please try again soon.", +"Turkey: You are now automatically renewed for another full year of Turkey Facts", +"Turkey: Please have a nice day."], + +"Turkey Fact - genus": +["Turkey: My friend, welcome to another fantastic turkey fact!", +"Turkey: Today we're learning that turkeys are in the genus Meleagris.", +"Turkey: This is probably useless information for you. Good!", +"Turkey: Until next time."], + +"Turkey Fact - gobble": +["Turkey: The turkey is often associated with the gobble sound. But that is just sexist.", +"Turkey: Only male turkeys gobble. Females instead make cooing and clicking noises. Put an end to stereotypes!"], + +"Turkey Fact - poult": +["Turkey: Don't eat me, I have children. Zillions of children.", +"Turkey: But since we're talking about children, did you know that a young turkey is called a poult?", +"Turkey: Now you do.", +"Turkey: By the way, the best way to cook a turkey is to not at all."], + +"Turkey Fact - World Dominination": +["Turkey: Hey Kasey.", +"Cat: What may I do for you juicy?", +"Turkey: Don't piss off turkeys or they'll gang up on you.", +"Turkey: That's because a group of turkeys is called a gang.", +"Turkey: A turkey group may also be called a rafter.", +"Turkey: I'm more of a kayaker personally.", +"Cat: Get meowta here", +"Turkey: That pun was fowl", +"Cat: Purrrsonally, not as bad as yours.", +"Turkey: Gobble Gobble"] + -}; \ No newline at end of file +};